Coworkers teased, and I kept saying “but it was a cool bandaid” (again trying to rationalize the bad trade).

A week later, while I was home working, my wife and kids went geocaching in Angelfire, NM and came across what promised to be a big cache. When they opened the box it was filled with business cards and bandages! They were all so disappointed. I then told my kids about what I did in CA to which my eldest said (without any prompting) “at least you left a cool bandaid. These weren’t like that. They were boring.”

Nevertheless, I vowed never to leave something like a bandaid in a Geocache again. And certainly wouldn’t leave a business card. (What type of jerk does that?! If I find your business card in a cache, I’ll call you to find out!!!)

Reflections and Resolutions don’t make a happy rainbow…. it’s more like an oily stain on the street that, after a dismal rain, makes a rainbow-like blob that mirrors the shoes on your feet.

I think of my regrets. I already have several this year. I think of beginnings and endings. Too many “should-a-done” and “wish-I-did” items to list. It’s always depressing, cold and ugly outside this time of year. But then I look at the other side of the same hand. I can overpower those regrets and move them behind me (even the ones I already have in the past 6 days). I can think of growth and changes. There are plenty of “like-to-do” and “let’s-try-that” items that life becomes exciting again. Besides, my awesome neighbor across the street snowplowed my driveway when me and my family were so dog sick we couldn’t even get out of bed to thank him. You just don’t get neighbors much cooler than that!

I’m lousy with promises to myself. I either get all emotional (good and bad emotions) and throw out my resolutions like baby with the bathwater or I get forgetful in my lethargic tired self after a long day’s work. How many times have I promised myself that I’d learn the violin… or that I’d stop biting my fingernails… or… no need to continue.

Nevertheless, I’ve learned that if I write down what I want to achieve it’s more likely (through some subconscious level) that I’ll achieve the goals, so here it goes.

1. Stop biting my nails. Fingernails… I quit biting toenails long ago.
2. Really enjoy life with my family. Drop the pessimism.
3. Take several pictures a day and post at least two pictures each day (one of myself and one of whatever) with a focus of improving and experimenting with style, light and composition… but no matter what, take some pictures and post two each day.
4. Play music more regularly … as in “play a musical instrument”… not as in “play the radio”.
5. Get my home office clean and dump out the old junk
6. Become more giving of my time, money, resources, etc.
– pick a charity to sponsor and give weekly/monthly to it.
7. Really apply myself to all the (Jewish) Holidays… including Shabbat. It’s so tough to push aside my desire to clean … but I’ll find a way.
8. Save Money and get as much out of debt as possible.
9. Finish the back yard… deck, garden and playground. We can only afford this because of doing #8.
10. Learn Hebrew. At least get good enough to say some phrases and read some basic literature.
11. (Re)read the books on my reading list:
– How to Win Friends and Influence People – Dalie Carnegie
– Getting Things Done – David Allen
– Six Attitudes For Winners – Vincent Peale
– Organizing For Dummies – Eileen Roth
– more to come…
12. Make some awesome preserves.
13. Blog more regularly… as in no more than 7 days between posts. If anyone besides my wife starts showing interest then I’ll blog at least twice a week.
14. Write up some reviews on the iPhone apps I’ve collected.
15. Try a food I haven’t had before (must be kosher).
16. Lose waist… I don’t mind having the same weight if it’s all muscle around my body, but this fat belly of mine has got to go!
– Better Food Habits (eat less)
– Exercise (move more)

That’s it for now.

Twenty months ago when visiting friends at the corporate office, there were some jokes and remarks about the owner, the VP of production and some other guys growing out their hair long. I took up the challenge for vain purposes at first, to fit in as one of the guys.

A few months later an opportunity to help others through this silly endeavor became evident. Children undergoing chemo treatment or suffering Alopecia could use a wig or hair extensions. Ironically, one of the younger stars on Flickr that I’ve come to admire (for her willingness to humble herself and her professional, yet fanciful style) has Alopecia and uses hair extensions.

So it was decided to grow out my hair the required length for donation. It hasn’t been without it’s sacrifices. And as I’ve come to even like having long hair it will be another sacrifice to cut it back. Still, there’s good with each season in life and the satisfaction of knowing how the past 20 months of minimal effort will bring peace to a child or young-adult’s life brings a great satisfaction.

What I’ve learned over these past 20 months:

1. Hair doesn’t grow out at the rate of an inch per month. It’s more like 3/8 of an inch permonth.
2. As a long haired man, I’ve “frightened” many grown-ups… until I started looking more like a smiling Jesus hippy.
3. The younger the child, the less affected they are to seeing long hair on a man.
4. Each inch of long hair from the forehead causes another annoyance until it reaches about 7 inches long.
   • First it gets in the eyes
   • Six weeks later it’s into the nose
   • another six weeks and it curls into the mouth
   • Yet another six weeks it tickles the chin

   This is probably why so many long-haired women have short bangs.

5. Nearly all shampoo has lauryl sulfate in it. This chemical weakens the hair and over-strips the protective oils from it. (Great site about shampoo ingredients.)
6. When doing any type of physical labor that requires you look down, any hair that isn’t tied back obstructs your view.
7. It’s difficult to pull back all your long hair and the one strand that isn’t bound with the rest will find its way into your face when you roll down the car window to let in the outside breeze.
8. Long braided pig-tails and a bandanna doesn’t make me look as cool as it does for Willie Nelson.
9. Long haired men that walk with confidence are stereotyped as successful photographer/musician/artist.
10. Women who brandish well-kept natural long hair have garnered my respect.

Tonight I go to a pizza place that can best be described as something like Dave and Busters, but more family oriented. I hope to have fun with photography there and meet a couple of new people. With more activity in life, it feels more like an adventure. Other than the occasional movie, I’m ready to give up the screen altogether.

By the way, the movies watched were: The last few shorts from the Ray Bradbury Theater, Planet of the Apes (with Charlton Heston) and Les Miserables with Liam Neeson and Uma Thurman. Ray Bradbury Theater was a real disappointment. I remember him being more creative instead of taking ideas from other writers and putting mild twists on them. Planet of the Apes was interesting. Charlton Heston has a way with overstating the obvious. Les Miserables was fantastic. This version in particular shows the devastation of a man’s soul when he demands justice without grace and mercy.

For example, T.S. Eliot’s “The Hollow Men”, which tends to address the journey of the soul from a newly acquired state of death to its completeness. There are allusions to Dante, Conrad, Morris and Kipling tied together to show political angst supposedly towards the Treaty of Versailles. I’d tend to think, as others do in this trying time, that most politicians are hollow, stuffed and already dead. Didn’t Dante dedicate a special canto in hell just for them?

Other poetry was much easier to cypher, like Edna St. Vincent Millay’s “A Few Figs From Thistles” which is primarily about blazing through life, though you’ll make regrettable mistakes along the way … and tends to go into typical relationship taboos such as adultery, cheating, lust and bondage.

Rush, Sixpence None the Richer, Tori Amos and Sarah McLauchlin were bands that I frequented concerts to, as news of them came to me, in the Austin area and had all albums available and ready to be brooded upon. The styles of the last two particularly influenced my style of music, though some strong religious differences and some blatant blasphemous songs from Tori Amos sent me on a decade long boycott.

For some time, music was what I breathed, ate, drank, slept. I surrounded myself with music every moment of the day when it made sense. But over the course of the past ten years that craving became more of an emptiness. Music lost most of its meaning and lyrics were chaff in the wind. Some of that is because of the gross amount of bad music that started coming out. But it had more to do with becoming more “responsible”. Though the probability of most of these risks are the same, the consequences are much higher.

But what was interesting when reflecting over how the apathy towards music increased was noticing that, as one “civilizing” or “taming” event came after another, my spirit was eventually broken. My passion for much of anything was chopped at – hacked away – by worldly forces and I felt myself become just another work drone. I remember one employer laughing at me after one of those experiences and literally saying: “So you can be broken!”

Ugh!
Yes – but by breaking people you lose … the creativity, the passion, the responsibility, the fearless risk taking, the adventurous spirit … you kill it … it dies like a fading melody into the grave of white-noise that was so easily attainable to begin with.

These are all necessary for art, beauty, entrepreneurship, adventuring, exploring – in short, it’s required to really live out life. I have never met a suicidal person who was passionate about life and enjoying it. I have known one or two who were passionate but constantly getting brow-beaten by the world until they had nothing left to live for.

The challenge is to remember these lessons when my seven year old gets permanent paint on my jacket, or looks up longingly for approval on some messily crafted crayon drawing, or her eyes light up eagerly to pick up an expensive clarinet though she hasn’t learned how to play a note. Eventually, and directly from my reactions, she’ll either learn to love messes like Pollock and Picasso, or dream of it while she passively files papers. She’ll either color the grey world like Julian Beever, or she’ll quietly beat the pavements with the masses. She’ll croon the world with new music like Goodman, or puff out sad sighs and conform. I don’t want her to end up like me – at least not like the me that exists today.

Just like how trees that are chopped to the ground can grow back, that root of inspiration is still buried deep in my soul somewhere. It’s a mess getting through the scar tissue and it’s a fighting struggle to be enough of a conformist to support my wife and four kids, yet have enough creativity to show them that the world God made for us has more beauty in it than the government would have us believe.

I noticed that when people ask me how I’m doing, if I state a mere “I’m feeling O.K.” then the day feels dull and feelings of inability shoot through my core. But when I reply “I’m doing Fantastic!”, “I’m feeling Great!” something changes. And like the autumn blaze in the season before us a feeling of capability and creativity begin its constructive work.

Last week my wife and I had a discussion about change. About changes that lie before us and the changes we’ve been through. About the habits of millionaires and the activities of people who lead happy lives. Through that conversation two immediate changes came up.

1. Drop the TV.
A good amount of what we watch is educational, but still entertaining. Shows like Good Eats and Mythbusters are peppered with documentaries on health, finances and history. There’s still some mindless entertainment, though. Last night I took some down-time watching a couple of three-stooges episodes. And though I only watch 10 hours of non-scheduled programs a week, opposed to the national average of 19 hours, that’s still 10 hours that could be pared down to 2 (for Family Movie Night).

2. Spend that extra time reading.
My personal take on reading has been to find something that excites the imagination. But reading books to hone and create skills, to challenge and build faith and to encourage thought and creativity need to be more prevalent. The idea is that if I can inspire my desires into action then I’d be more successful in life. For example, I could be a better photographer, a better Dad, a better Husband, a better thinker, a more creative programmer, and overall enjoy life more with a change in attitude and thought that comes through reading and applying.

So those are my two major lifestyle changes that have come up recently. I hate it when people say “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks” or “you’re too old to change”. Bah! That negative attitude didn’t bring them any success. Statements like that are insulting. They’re saying “you’re incapable, unintelligent, too complacent, unmotivated, uncreative…” At the heart of the matter is a lack of faith in God. The Bible is loaded with examples of men, young and old alike, changing. Anything I create I can change. Similarly, anything God creates He can change.

So what am I feeling? I’m feeling change!

Most have the experience of rejection. When our offerings have been rejected enough times and we’ve been “put in place” (which in this case means reminded that they have no say in the matter at hand) enough times, we can actually convince ourselves that we’re worthless… at least for a time… for most of us. Some never come back.

I wonder about that emptiness. That dead state. It’s a type of insanity that breeds an awareness. We are not as important as we may hope to be. Our accomplishments don’t mean anything to the big picture. Our impact is infinitesimally small. No matter how intelligent you are on a matter, someone else has a more desirable opinion to listen to… because they’re not you. Life is personal, so we take these rejections personally whether we should or should not.

With a fair amount of consideration (or distraction) of the matter, most people return back a little more somber … a little less bright eyed … a lot less enthused. That was the part about “Flowers for Algernon” that freaked me out the most. People can be so subjugated and diminished to the point that their purpose and meaning in life is stripped away with it. It’s akin to breaking a wild stallion then tethering it to a basement grain mill for the rest of its life.

When I feel cramped up too much, or see others in that state I find it helpful to put energy into something creative – in a displayable way. It reminds me that no matter how far down people may push me or how much they crowd me out that I am unique and add to life in a way that they do not.

I admit that there are times at work and even at play that I have to “play dead”, myself. Sometimes a business’ survival is more important at a given time and my participation to help that business, though it may be doldrum or even maddening at times, helps out others – it expands my world and restates my belief that life is more than just myself.

Possums and birds play dead to survive. Like I mentioned before, sometimes we have to do that, too. But if people “play dead” for too long I’ve seen and experienced that the spirit is quenched and a more sinister death starts to settle in. We began to feel robotic and sense that we are only a cog in a cold machine. Adults aren’t the only ones prone to this.

It starts when we are little. We go to a failing school system; we watch commercials that train us to believe we are unfit (without their product); any friends or family that buy into the culture second guess everything we do to the point that we second guess ourselves; we go to a university where professors almost strategically tell us that whatever we know/think/love is crap (unless you agree with their world view – or at least bribe them a little); in the corporate world you’re told that your job is not to think (at least for most).

Each time these attacks wave and crest in consuming foamy hands to wrench our necks when we try to be creative. It’s policy; it’s bureaucracy; it’s parenting and policing and mentoring gone wrong.

I look back at a week ago when one of my children were so excited about something they were doing. I shooed them off “Daddy has to work. Don’t bother me right now.” and they slump away a little. I became the very monster that bored its way into my life until I dolefully gave in. That sucks!

Nietzsche was incorrect about fighting monsters. It’s when you’re spirit is defeated by the monster that you become like it.

He showed strong evidence that we are so self-absorbed that we naturally believe that random events in this world are in response to our involvement – no matter how detached.

I had to think about this and the book of Job came to mind. Here is a righteous man being tortured by Satan and his friends are picking on him, accusing him of doing wrong things that he never even thought of doing.

So I think there are Biblical applications here. In religion, we try to build a relationship between man-kind and the unexplainable. In a relationship with God, we often find that the best miracles happen when we do nothing other than sit and wait. So again, religion does not equate to relationship. Nevertheless, I want to suggest that there is an overall result of our behavior. If we do evil, God allows evil to fall on us with more severity and recourse to ultimate destruction. If we do righteous, then our prayers have merit and God will offer some graces and blessings where there would otherwise be none. But it appears to stop there.

Like my children, if they behave then after a while if they ask something special from me I’m more willing to give it to them – but they’re still getting fed, clothed, sheltered and educated regardless. If they continually misbehave and rebel, then I step back and watch them fall. Sometimes I lecture them afterwords and sometimes I don’t. Again, they’re still going to be provided for regardless.

There’s a proverb that it rains on everyone – the righteous and the wicked alike. From that proverb I agree with Derren Brown. Most of life occurs and it’s what we choose to do with that occurrence that demonstrates who we are, but our ability in tomorrow’s ball game is not dependent on our unwashed lucky socks.

So I’ve been rethinking some of the traditions and rituals I go through in life. Is it because I believe something will happen from it or because I think it’s the right thing to do? That puts a new perspective spin on life.

One recurring theme in science fiction and horror movies is the Frankenstein base. This book poses two questions: At what point is the act of science crossing the boundary of playing God, and at what point does the human soul exist or not exist?

There are certainly other aspects to Mary Shelley’s story, and I don’t want to typecast her novel into just these two ideas, but they are core concepts that have riddled philosophers for ages.

It appears that the first question is loosely tied to another theme. When man uses science to overcome mortal fear, the result is something to be infinitely more feared. In conjunction with this, the outset of the creation can never exceed the creator. In other words, we can’t make humans better than they were created to be in the bounds of the natural laws and trying to do so creates a monster. Even in reality, medication has side-effects which include mortal danger. The balance and trade-offs that typify a “lesser of evils” concept is prevalent throughout nature. The question remains – where is that balance, and who are we to determine it?

In Robert Louis Stevenson’s book “Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde,” a scientist tries to separate the mortal sin from the soul. The problem is that sin dominates our lives so instead of an angelic and benevolent personality surfacing, he split out a psychotic and horrific personality fit for the city of Sodom.

Frankenstein is not much different. A scientist is looking for a path to immortality, but discovers that with an immortal body comes an eternal pain. The monster is never given an identity, leaving it soulless. Though the experiment is a success, its level of suffering significantly outweighs the level of elation, and readers are left to view meddling with nature in such a fashion as a failure to all humanity.

These themes have only become more modern with scientific discoveries. The 1958 version of “The Fly” takes a scientist who intends to defy the laws of creation to disintegrate and rebuild molecules of living animals in a God-like manner but finds himself a victim of carelessness. This leaves those around him struggling with the concepts of morality and the limits of the human soul.

At first, Andre the scientist is arrogant. He claims to know God’s purpose for humanity without acknowledging God’s limits: “God gives us intelligence to uncover the wonders of nature.” After catastrophic failure he denounces that statement: “There are things man should never experiment with. Now I must destroy everything, all evidence, even myself. No one must ever know what I discovered.” His wife tries to convince him not to follow through: “You can still reason, Andre… You’ve still got your intelligence… You’re still a man with a soul. You’ve no right to destroy yourself!”

“The Fly” equates intelligence and reason with having a soul. As long as the half-man-half-fly can reason and shows intelligence, the man-creature is considered to have a soul, and killing him/it is considered murder. In the movie, the truth is merely twisted to simplify the innocence of Helene, but even the Inspector, after squashing the fly in the web considered his act the same as murder. You can’t murder a thing, so it must have still had a human soul in context.

The newer version of the fly from 1986 was much more atheistic and followed more of a “using science to overcome fear results in something more feared” approach. There are some thoughtful punches about how cognitive and intelligent behavior separate man from beast, but references to a human soul were absent. The Brundle-Fly transformation showed more of a reverse evolution effect, and the duration of Seth’s transformation into a fly was prolonged only because it felt good rather than out of hope to return to a human state.

A new model of Frankenstein effect has come out recently under the context of zombies. Specifically, genetically altered humans. Movies such as “Resident Evil”, “28 Days Later” and “I Am Legend” have been hitting the theaters since 2002 where everything from military experiments to pharmaceutical greed to philanthropic science has been the seed to bring about deadly results.

What makes these so frightening is that, like other Frankenstein effects of their time, it involves a science that most people know little about – even the scientists who currently explore these new venues. Creating life from the genetic level is also known to be problematic because of genetic mutation. Life that can change function or resistance over a few generations of reproduction is unpredictable and thusly, frightening. Using a virus as a mechanism to inject the genetic instruction amplifies the mutation and unpredictability because of its short reproductive cycle and its massive growth rate in a short period of time.

Because as a collective race we know so little about genetic based medicine, it has become a modern-day equivalent to technologies of electricity and surgery back in Shelley’s time.

Nevertheless, the heart of the matter is the human soul. To be spoken of with any credibility or seriousness, zombie manifestation, like all apocalyptic events have to deeply coincide with faith and spirituality. If not from Biblical context (Revelation 9:6), it should at least be taken in the context by the merit of the soul.

If any one of us were to turn into a zombie, would we have a soul? What is a zombie? Could someone be both dead and alive at the same time? What is the essence of man and when does it leave the body and can the body survive without it?

Ghosts are easy – they’re disembodied spirits. But zombies hold the paradox. Not only does it question life after death, but like in the “Rime of the Ancient Mariner”, it questions life-in-death. At what point, if any, is man reduced to a dumb animal? At what point is the human soul lost beyond redemption? If it can be redeemed, then what’s the price?

Her lips were red, her looks were free,
Her locks were yellow as gold :
Her skin was as white as leprosy,
The Night-mare LIFE-IN-DEATH was she,
Who thicks man’s blood with cold.

-Rime of the Ancient Mariner

In both psychological treatment (such as anxiety management) and in commercial psychology (such as making you want to buy a product) a process is used called “systematic desensitization”. This process came about through study of Pavlov’s experiments and everyone is susceptible to its influence, though some more than others.

Note that these are my personal observations and I have no formal psychological training in the matter. But what I see is that people can change. We have a remarkable ability to adapt in ways that can even go as far as changing our very souls. I’ve also noticed that as people age, they become more sure of their world view and become less motivated to change it. Whether this is a stubbornness designed within their world view (“I believe old people can’t change”), a lack of motivation (“Why change?”), difficulty to fight off habitual impulses (“It’s hard to change”) or laziness (“It’s too much work”) depends on the individual.

With the world view being so strongly influenced by our environment, and with the environment changing from one generation to the next, it stands to reason that a set of people from the same generation will share similar world views.

For example, a general world view that I find with elders – specifically those who were raised during the great depression or during World War II – is that they regard certain social laws to be universal, though they may be applied differently across cultures. Respect for elders, adherence to the law and the importance of self-sufficiency appear to be some of these commonalities, and they’re not specific to the American culture. These people went through possibly two world wars, one of the country’s worst economic depressions, shifts in industrialization towards technology and from old-school theology to Pantheism. The common media culture was auditory (radio) rather than visual (TV) so listening skills were more important. Handling risks was a lifestyle requiring a level of self-sufficiency such as maintaining your own garden for the bulk of your family’s food supply.

Though these principles were taught to the next generation, there was a sizable revolt in the political movements that spanned the 1960′s into the 70′s and reached into their private homes. People became pompous and disrespectful to their elder generation, turning to sexual, spiritual and narcotic experimental realms for inspiration and motivation.

Similarly, the elder generation showed a level of disregard for the younger generation, continuing to send them to visionless wars in Korea and Viet Nam. There was no clear understanding to the paranoia that promoted these wars, though it was mostly pitched that democracy and capitalism were at stake. Many of the “Baby Boomers” lost a connection with family values and a large diversity of beliefs followed. The world view for the Baby Boomers switched from a “Father Knows Best” model to an “All In the Family” model. Rather than continuing to view authority as an entity you could turn to for support and advice, it shifted to to a view that authority was callous and careless – even harmful. It seems that during the time people experimented with sources of happiness and fulfillment, psychological advances were made in advertisement and materialism took a stronghold. The “Me” generation was more about gaining “More” than gaining self. Social splits across the generation formed hippies and yuppies and further shaped the two main American political parties. By 1970, television commercials directed at children and during children shows had gotten so out of hand that a children’s advocacy group formed, Action for Children’s Television (ACT) in protest. The FCC eventually agreed to create restrictions after studies were made that proved the harmful effects of commercials.

Generation-X was referred to as the “Lost” generation by a few when I was a child. Mostly because we’re growing up blind to our identity. The type of discipline and stature from the Golden Era was long lost except for its representation in old books. Marketing came into the schools, usually in the form of political interests. We were taught (by teachers who were the same age as our parents) that the world was changing faster than our parents could understand. In the same rebellious air that these people thumbed their noses at authority with when they were twenty, they discredited their own authority. My generation was taught to be skeptical of authority from the generation that was young and groaned under the corruption of Nixon, LBJ and Carter. It even goes further than that. We were taught not to trust anyone and to view others with a certain level of vengeance – a “get him first before he gets you” and a “stick it to the man” attitude. It’s now my generation who are entering political offices; antisocialites my age are running the IRS. There are those who are hopeful and shine far brighter than the rest. They are philanthropists and humanitarians, respectful of others and generous to strangers. I admittedly struggle to get there against my learned behavior. I’ve heard you can never unlearn a behavior, you can only learn another one that overtakes it. So I’ll have what Pavlov is having. Ring the bell and chide me on. If an animal can learn basic behavior, any man (made in the image of God) can do even better.