Don’t Let Your Past Define You – even if it was good

“My past is everything I failed to be.”- Fernando Pessoa Click To Tweet

Many years ago there were dreams. I knew what I wanted. I experimented with confidence, and failed at so many different things.

What eventually drained my dreams of their vibrancy, and crushed my hopes were the adults in my life. I learned some really backward axioms, such as:

  • They’re going to blame me for it anyway, so I might as well do it.
  • They always need something to nitpick about – make it something I control.
  • Nobody looks at the reason, just the result. Heart never matters.
  • I am nothing but a nothing. I’m not a thing at all.

But deep inside there were cinders of truth that kept me and my soul alive.

  • Don’t live down to their expectations. That’s not who I am.
  • Do my best regardless that it’s never good enough for someone.
  • Give my heart to people. That is who I am.
  • They see me as nothing because they look at me through their own vampiric mirrors. Don’t let them suck my soul dry.

There’s a definition within our intrinsic selves that supersedes how others define us. But there are seeds rooted deep within, from our childhood, that grows a label around us. Beware the label.

When someone labels software as tested – nobody else spends the time to test it… duplicated work is considered a waste. This is supposedly what happened on one of NASA’s failed shuttle launches. A checkbox was marked by mistake and one small thing wasn’t checked, costing lives.

When someone labels you as bad or good, beware. A hammer is neither bad nor good, but can be used to do both. People are, in many ways, like that.

Murderers have turned soft and change their lives completely around because of a few kind words. Genuinely nice people have become killers after years of torment and bullying. Despair has a way of flipping people by its presence or absence. So does love.

When we label ourselves, we galvanize the character, we build a fixed mindset, and inevitably cause failure.

In reverse, when we tear down those labels and look deeper into who we are and what we’re capable of, we build character, set a growth mindset, and – even in the course of failure – set ourselves up for victory in the end.

This article is from the “Raw Talk on Failure” series.

Photo by A B on Unsplash

The Junkie

It was a culmination of bad days. My best friend died a few months before. My band instrument was stolen because someone tried to pull a prank on me and the band director did nothing about it. I had been beaten up so hard at my locker that I had to go to the infirmary and subsequently, go home early. I told my dad that I was ready to “end it all”.

Many people have been there. Maybe even you. When people under a $150k salary were asked what they value in a job, it wasn’t that they did work with meaning. It was a stable income and dignity. People are even willing to take a lower paying job if it gives them more dignity and time with family. (*Roy Bahat).

If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please get help.
Call 1-800-273-8255 – the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.

My dad came in my room. After a series of questions and a typical lecture that went nowhere, he turned around and saw a poster of a cartoon alley cat near a dumpster with the words emblazoned “I’m Okay, God Doesn’t Make Junk”. My dad ordered me to recite it over and over again.

I hated that poster. I always did. I had ordered a different poster through a mail-order catalogue (it was the 80’s) and they sent me the wrong one. I had put the poster on the wall as a reminder that the forces of the universe were against me.

I'm okay! God doesn't make junk! Click To Tweet

But the words on that poster is the message I carry with me in life. We are not junk, nor should we allow ourselves to be treated as such – especially from our inner thoughts. And the universe isn’t against you. There is no chance, but there is fate. There are no odds to beat, but life is a gamble. We make bad decisions, but our lives are not a bad decision. We hurt those we love, but that doesn’t make us unloveable.

When you feel disparaged – when it seems that life is out to get you. Recite out loud, because it’s true: “I’m Okay, God Doesn’t Make Junk.” You have worth. You just don’t feel it at the moment.

This article is from the “Raw Talk on Failure” series.

Photo by Fábio Scaletta on Unsplash

For Shame!

Failure, even if just perceived, results in shame. Shame is that uncomfortable feeling from becoming aware of participation in something inappropriate, dishonorable, ridiculous or humiliating.

When is the last time you felt shame after making an inappropriate comment? What about the private shame you feel from “guilty pleasures”?

When we’re rejected or criticized by others, we also feel shame. It’s a powerful emotion that people intentionally and unintentionally use to manipulate others. We hear of fat shaming or food shaming or parent shaming or emotion shaming. There’s also interview shaming (which I recently experienced from various industries).

Being shamed leaves you helpless and hopeless – there’s no benefit other than elevating the shamer’s ego by putting others down. I have a word for that: bullying.

If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please get help.
Call 1-800-273-8255 – the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.

Dealing with shame is probably the most delicate of the issues we face. It’s what I believe is the second leading cause of suicide. There are stories all over the internet, like that of Audrie Pott‘s.

These complex emotions drive our conscious decisions. They inhibit us from making bad decisions, but that also means we forego risk and all its rewards by oversteering away from perceived failure.

But put in the right hands, the shame can be flipped to something powerful and good – accountability. With the right, caring, accountability partner, we can break bad habits and grow stronger character. We can also run other people’s shaming comments by them. Asking delicate questions like “am I really a loud-mouth?” Or “am I doing something wrong with how I raise my children?” to a friend who’s open and honest helps us to see a more unbiased reality.

Accountability is a powerful tool that changes the twisted power of shame into a positive strength towards transformation. Click To Tweet

Sometimes people are just so narrow minded that anything out of their realm of thought should be shamed or bullied out of existence. In these cases, they’re the one who’s acting shameful.

The lesson here is twofold:

1. Get an accountability partner. This is someone you can trust to be vulnerable with and who’s honest in return.

2. Ask your accountability partner to help you see the reality – if you feel shamed by something someone else said, or even by the voices in your own head, run it by your accountability partner. Ask if they see anything and ask for suggestions.

This article is from the “Raw Talk on Failure” series.

Photo by Mitchel Hollander on unsplash