Failure, even if just perceived, results in shame. Shame is that uncomfortable feeling from becoming aware of participation in something inappropriate, dishonorable, ridiculous or humiliating.
When is the last time you felt shame after making an inappropriate comment? What about the private shame you feel from “guilty pleasures”?
When we’re rejected or criticized by others, we also feel shame. It’s a powerful emotion that people intentionally and unintentionally use to manipulate others. We hear of fat shaming or food shaming or parent shaming or emotion shaming. There’s also interview shaming (which I recently experienced from various industries).
Being shamed leaves you helpless and hopeless – there’s no benefit other than elevating the shamer’s ego by putting others down. I have a word for that: bullying.
If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please get help.
Call 1-800-273-8255 – the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.
Dealing with shame is probably the most delicate of the issues we face. It’s what I believe is the second leading cause of suicide. There are stories all over the internet, like that of Audrie Pott‘s.
These complex emotions drive our conscious decisions. They inhibit us from making bad decisions, but that also means we forego risk and all its rewards by oversteering away from perceived failure.
But put in the right hands, the shame can be flipped to something powerful and good – accountability. With the right, caring, accountability partner, we can break bad habits and grow stronger character. We can also run other people’s shaming comments by them. Asking delicate questions like “am I really a loud-mouth?” Or “am I doing something wrong with how I raise my children?” to a friend who’s open and honest helps us to see a more unbiased reality.
Accountability is a powerful tool that changes the twisted power of shame into a positive strength towards transformation. Click To TweetSometimes people are just so narrow minded that anything out of their realm of thought should be shamed or bullied out of existence. In these cases, they’re the one who’s acting shameful.
The lesson here is twofold:
1. Get an accountability partner. This is someone you can trust to be vulnerable with and who’s honest in return.
2. Ask your accountability partner to help you see the reality – if you feel shamed by something someone else said, or even by the voices in your own head, run it by your accountability partner. Ask if they see anything and ask for suggestions.
This article is from the “Raw Talk on Failure” series.
- A Raw Talk on Failure
- For Shame!
- The Junkie
- Success as a Paradox
- Ultimate Failure Fix
- What Does Risk Look Like?
- Know the Role You Serve
- Don’t Let Your Past Define You
Photo by Mitchel Hollander on unsplash