Ultimate Failure Fix

It was pouring rain in the Central American jungle. It had been doing so for days. We macheted through broad sharp leaves and trudged through thick mud to get to our destination. I was carrying medical equipment that our doctor would administer to a sick man at his home.

The household was grateful to see our group arrive. With a deeply sincere set of smiles, they escorted us into their home.

The hut was nice by the local standard. Brick augmented the wooden support beams and rails that held up the metal roof. A woman was frying food on an open flame, using banana leaves as we would use pans. The rain drops would sputter and sizzle in the fire, adding to the steam and smoke that rose in the air.

Despite what I had thought before, even though the rain itself was warm, it chilled us to be in it for so long. I hadn’t realized how cold I had gotten until I felt the warmth of the fire that radiated from the make-shift stove. But it didn’t seem to radiate far enough to warm a man resting on a bed on the opposite side of the cabin, a few feet away.

The doctor stepped in and approached the man. I dutifully stepped beside him with his equipment along with another assistant. After an examination, the doctor smiled, took some amoxicillin from his bag and handed it to the man, giving instructions to our translator who in turn repeated them in Spanish for the patient and his family to hear.


There are times in my life when I feel the weight of failure so deep that it almost defines me: That time I was stood up for a date, the idea that my manager shot down yelling at me in front of others, the countless times I heard “what’s wrong with you?” by adults growing up, dropping the catch during a baseball game and hearing other team members shout my name like it was a filthy word, the stack of rejection letters from job interviews.

A decade ago, a study with monkeys revealed that it is through repeated success that we become more successful. Failures don’t tend to teach much, and a hostile, deprived, negative environment just makes us weaker and more prone to failure.

Success breeds success, so find ways to be successful – even in small things. What better way than to help a neighbor or volunteer for the community? Click To Tweet

I noticed this years ago while watching tennis. People who miss the ball, usually miss in pairs, and when stronger shots would better serve their score, they hold back after a point loss. A failure to point causes a psychological double-play that alters behavior to hedge the risk. In short, failure increases fear and tears up our courage.

But it takes more than courage to overcome that failure and become fully re-engaged in the next move. Like the monkey study mentioned earlier, it takes the positive outcome of a positive action to flip past the failure cycle.

We can apply this to our lives. Our activities can shape our success. This is why Navy Seals say that making the bed in the morning has a dramatic effect on achievement. It’s also why volunteer work, when you feel least like volunteering (e.g. in the midst of depression) can actually turn your life around and even save it from disaster.

When you have failed, or especially if you consider yourself a failure (e.g. Charlie Brown), start something positive and success will start to weave its way into your life. When I reflect on that mission trip and others like it, I consider myself blessed and my perspective in life becomes more positive. In turn, I see more of the good around me and am more prone to take risks. Volunteer for success and you’ll find it already there, waiting.

This article is from the “Raw Talk on Failure” series.

Photo by Mitchell Griest on Unsplash

The Junkie

It was a culmination of bad days. My best friend died a few months before. My band instrument was stolen because someone tried to pull a prank on me and the band director did nothing about it. I had been beaten up so hard at my locker that I had to go to the infirmary and subsequently, go home early. I told my dad that I was ready to “end it all”.

Many people have been there. Maybe even you. When people under a $150k salary were asked what they value in a job, it wasn’t that they did work with meaning. It was a stable income and dignity. People are even willing to take a lower paying job if it gives them more dignity and time with family. (*Roy Bahat).

If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please get help.
Call 1-800-273-8255 – the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.

My dad came in my room. After a series of questions and a typical lecture that went nowhere, he turned around and saw a poster of a cartoon alley cat near a dumpster with the words emblazoned “I’m Okay, God Doesn’t Make Junk”. My dad ordered me to recite it over and over again.

I hated that poster. I always did. I had ordered a different poster through a mail-order catalogue (it was the 80’s) and they sent me the wrong one. I had put the poster on the wall as a reminder that the forces of the universe were against me.

I'm okay! God doesn't make junk! Click To Tweet

But the words on that poster is the message I carry with me in life. We are not junk, nor should we allow ourselves to be treated as such – especially from our inner thoughts. And the universe isn’t against you. There is no chance, but there is fate. There are no odds to beat, but life is a gamble. We make bad decisions, but our lives are not a bad decision. We hurt those we love, but that doesn’t make us unloveable.

When you feel disparaged – when it seems that life is out to get you. Recite out loud, because it’s true: “I’m Okay, God Doesn’t Make Junk.” You have worth. You just don’t feel it at the moment.

This article is from the “Raw Talk on Failure” series.

Photo by Fábio Scaletta on Unsplash

For Shame!

Failure, even if just perceived, results in shame. Shame is that uncomfortable feeling from becoming aware of participation in something inappropriate, dishonorable, ridiculous or humiliating.

When is the last time you felt shame after making an inappropriate comment? What about the private shame you feel from “guilty pleasures”?

When we’re rejected or criticized by others, we also feel shame. It’s a powerful emotion that people intentionally and unintentionally use to manipulate others. We hear of fat shaming or food shaming or parent shaming or emotion shaming. There’s also interview shaming (which I recently experienced from various industries).

Being shamed leaves you helpless and hopeless – there’s no benefit other than elevating the shamer’s ego by putting others down. I have a word for that: bullying.

If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please get help.
Call 1-800-273-8255 – the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.

Dealing with shame is probably the most delicate of the issues we face. It’s what I believe is the second leading cause of suicide. There are stories all over the internet, like that of Audrie Pott‘s.

These complex emotions drive our conscious decisions. They inhibit us from making bad decisions, but that also means we forego risk and all its rewards by oversteering away from perceived failure.

But put in the right hands, the shame can be flipped to something powerful and good – accountability. With the right, caring, accountability partner, we can break bad habits and grow stronger character. We can also run other people’s shaming comments by them. Asking delicate questions like “am I really a loud-mouth?” Or “am I doing something wrong with how I raise my children?” to a friend who’s open and honest helps us to see a more unbiased reality.

Accountability is a powerful tool that changes the twisted power of shame into a positive strength towards transformation. Click To Tweet

Sometimes people are just so narrow minded that anything out of their realm of thought should be shamed or bullied out of existence. In these cases, they’re the one who’s acting shameful.

The lesson here is twofold:

1. Get an accountability partner. This is someone you can trust to be vulnerable with and who’s honest in return.

2. Ask your accountability partner to help you see the reality – if you feel shamed by something someone else said, or even by the voices in your own head, run it by your accountability partner. Ask if they see anything and ask for suggestions.

This article is from the “Raw Talk on Failure” series.

Photo by Mitchel Hollander on unsplash